welcome i guess

so, i decided to use this as a journal. i don't know why someone would read this, but if someone does it, then hi.

i should decorate this page but i'm too lazy to do it now, i'll probably do it another day.

about me

i wanna die so bad.

journal entries

20/05/20. [02:36am]

i've been depressed all the entire day and it fucking sucks. i literally feel so pathetic. today, i had a three hours nap and that wasn't enough to stop thinking about how stupid and meaningless is my life. i feel so pathetic writing this to strange people, but i really don't have anyone to hear me. i don't have friends in real life and i don't wanna annoy my virtual friends and also they never take me seriously. i'm fucking annoying oh god

i don't know how to say how much i fucking hate myself. i feel like a damaged sould trying to find his place in the earth, even when i know i will never find it i keep trying because i feel so fucking alone and i really wanna give myself a chance to get out of this depressive hell.

the fact that i exist is fucking disgusting. i hate it. i really fucking hate it. i'm probably annoying everyone for keep writing how much i wanna die. i'm sorry.

20/05/20 [11:07pm]

i became obsessed with losing weight. i think it's because i feel really bad about how my body looks.

11:11 i wanna be happy please

22/05/20 [2:15am]

hey. today i learned love fucking sucks. don't fall in love kids, do drugs.

yesterday was full of rage and stress, but i tried to manage it. i really tried, i swear.

by the way, i wanna blow up my brain with a shotgun. it would be so cool, omg, imagine being dead! i would be so happy. dead people are so lucky they don't have to be alive in this world full of fucking idiots.

everyday i wake up thinking about how cute it would be seeing my whole head destroyed with my brain also destroyed in all the room. so cute.

4/6/20

hey. it's been a while since i don't write something here. my life is worse now, sadly i'm not dead yet.

i'm too lazy to write something. fuck off.

20/6/20

hey. it's been a while since i updated my page. well, things didn't change at all since the last time i wrote something, let me tell y'all.

my house started to give me anxiety, that made me go to sleep in my grandma's house or my aunt's house. i don't feel safe, it's torturing me and keeping myself in four walls of sadness is driving me crazy. also, covid19 fucked up my country, lmao. i'm laughing to avoid crying. today i have to sleep in my house yes or yes, i'm hella nervous and i kinda wanna cry.

some good news? well, things in my house are slowly getting better. i bought a lot of cool things and also i received some money, i almost wasted everything lol. i became a codename cure player, and damn, that game is soooooo freaking good. i love it. y'all should try it, if u love zombie games u will probably have an obssesion. it's free on steam! try it and tell me what you think about it. also, i started having less rage attacks and i learned how to keep calm.

07/07/20 [03:27 p.m.]

hey, how's everyone doing?

remember when i said everything is getting slowly better? well, now i fucked up all these things with my stupid, childish and insecure personality. i became more aggressive than i used to be. to be honest, idk what to do with my life anymore, i just want to be gone, i wish i never existed. i wish i could avoid my entire life and problems, but this is sadly real life and i can't do nothing about it. every breath i take makes me feel anxious, it feels like i'm real and that gives me hatred. it gives me rage. being real gives me rage. i feel like im no one, im nothing, im worthless. i feel like i will never reach my goals and dreams, i will be a failure all my entire life and i will never be able to do something about it, i feel like im fucking drowning and every single day i wish everything was a dream and i was really happy, i wish that i was worth it. i wish i was something to my family, i wish i could make them be proud of me. but i'm just a disease. i'm just a fragile, useless and sensitive little kid.

i have no money, i have no friends, i have no happiness, i have no goals, i have no dreams, why? what did i do to deseve this? WHY? i just wanna be fucking happy, im tired of all of this, i just cant handle this shit anymore. every single day i feel like i will never have a reason to live, my life losses sense every single second of the day, and when i try to make things better what do i receive? MORE FUCKING PAIN, MORE FUCKING PROBLEMS, GOD DAMN WHY?

i started to self harm. its a addiction now. i just cant stop it, feeling the metal on my flesh and oppening it is freaking hot. i wanna see myself bleeding. i do self harm to see if i still feel something, but i dont. i keep trying to feel physical pain but i dont.

goodbye.

17/09/20 [12:16 a.m.]

hey! it's been such a long time since i'm not writing anything here. i suddenly remembered about this page and i decided writing something so y'all can have some news about me. i still think if someone actually reads this, probably not. how is everyone doing? i hope y'all day is full of misery.

a lot of things happened while i wasn't writing here, so i'm gonna try to write everything or at least the most important things. first of all, i have a girlfriend! it's been two months already since we starting to date. i have a lot of things to say about her... nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than her. it's weird. also, my cat died some days ago. i lost three cats this year. i would give my entire life just to have them with me again... i miss them a lot.

i lost all my friends. well, almost. only four of them talk to me and i feel so alone every single day of my life.. i just cant get happiness again, this is what i deserve, this is my destiny. i don't have any escape, everything i can feel is pain. this is not me, this isn't real, this is absolutely not me. i lost all, i lost my life, i lost myself. do i deserve this? i'm gonna die alone in my room.

i think thats all i have to say today. see u in probably two months or more, or if i remember to write something. goodbye.

21/10/20 [4:22 p.m.]

i broke up with my girlfriend the same day we were celebrating three months of dating. i was fucking tired of that dumbass.

i never been so unhappy like now. i think i'm dying alive. this isn't a life, this isn't happiness and this isn't what i want for me. but well, i'm already used to this shit and i think i can't do anything to it anymore. this is what i deserve, rotting until i die, trapped in my room while i try to convince myself that i'm not an asshole. there's so much pain in the world, u know? it's obvious. but people always tells me that. every single time that i tell someone my problems they say that there is people worse than me. BITCH I KNOW. DON'T COMPARE ME WITH OTHERS, FOR GOD.

i think i'm accepting my future. i'm accepting this. lately i feel completely alone even having people around me, these last few days my self hatred has increased considerably and i can no longer do anything to stop it. i feel guilty when i eat, i have a hard time doing it and sometimes i have to spit food out because i feel that i did nothing to deserve it. im not a good friend, not a good person, not a good son, not a good grandson, not a good cousin. at this point im nothing.

every day that passes in my life i find less meaning in things, i do not feel myself, this is not me. my days are always the same, i feel trapped in an endless loop of misfortunes. i want to die, i can no longer bear anything, my head can no longer handle anything. i hate myself, i hate my house, i hate my neighborhood, i hate my family, i hate my bed, i hate my school, i hate most of my friends, i hate my arms, i hate my face, i hate my legs, i hate physical contact, i hate being looked at, i hate people, i hate almost everything and i could easily make a list.

i don't think i have a future, the only one i can imagine is ten feet underground. i ended up realizing that im never going to be someone in this shitty life, it no longer makes any sense to continue fighting for my dreams if im not going to achieve anything at all anyway. i already gave up on everything, i don't give a shit about everything, i'm going to die anyway.

nothing i do or what i did at any time is going to be rewarded, it is in vain. i just gave up.

u know what i hate

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!??!?!?!?! PEOPLE!! UGHHH EVERYONE IS SO LOUD AND ANNOYING SHUT THE FUCK UP. i wanna blow up everyone's brain with a shotgun so they finally shut the fuck up. everyone is so disgusting and stupid, always bitching and crying for everything LIKE ME!!! UGHHHH!! SO DISGUSTING!!! everyone is so innecesarily sensitive, talking always about their morals. i bet that everyone would kill at least one person if they could. but nah, they fake being a good person.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!?!?!?! BITCHES WHO KEEP SAYING "BLM!!" "SIGN THIS PETITION TO HELP BLM" AND THEN FUCKING STAN DYLANN ROOF. SHUT UP DUMBASS, FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL BITCH. I WILL MAKE SURE TO BLOWN OFF YOUR BRAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!?!?!?! ALT PEOPLE!! Y'ALL ARE SO RIDICULOUS, FOR REAL. just shut up already, all of u are freaking annoying and hypocritical. ofc, i'm talking about the fake alt people. like, the ones who just know the alt style and all of that just for tiktok. if i ever become famous and u are that type alt, just dont stan me. go away from me.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!!?!??!?! CANCEL CULTURE!! stop bringing up people's mistakes from the past to ruin their lives, why the fuck would u care for somebody's life? it isn't your business, shut the fuck up. stop caring about someone's past thoughts, actions or opinions, and what if they change their opinions or whatever the fuck they wanna change? someone can change their opinions or whatever after getting new information, and they don't have to get called "hypocrite" just because of that. fucking normalize it, dumbass. go to therapy.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!?!?!?! TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!! dude, if ur not right in the head or just too sensitive just go out of the internet, this is not a good place for u. y'all be bitching when someone doesn't put a tw for something, dude, your stupid ass mental health it's not someone else responsability. and if u gonna act that sensitive and stupid, go out from the entire internet and social media, we don't even fucking care about u, you aren't our responsability and we don't have to use trigger warnings FOR EVERYTHING just because your traumatized ass can't handle it. thank u. don't start saying shit like "bUT eMpAthY" because it doesn't have nothing to do with this.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!?!?!? SCHOOL!! that shit is full of fake bitches and stupid boys that think they own all these stupid bitches. i would sell my soul to shoot up and burn that stupid place. i wanna see everyone suffer and cry for me to stop and then blow up their brains. i hate everyone in that school, every single person. DIE. one day, everyone in that fucking place will meet my wrath, will meet my rage. everyone will suffer. everything i can think of is them crying and telling me to stop, fuck, it makes mE HOT I'M SORRY. i will never stop until i kill all these dumbass people and i have my bloody revenge. i wanna see that place fucking burn. y'all made me suffer since i have memory, and now it's my turn.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?!?!?!?!?! TEACHERS!!!! they think we gonna understand everything they say at first try. they also think school work is easier now because we can do it with a computer. BUT IT'S NOT. THEY KEEP STRESSING US AND MAKING US FEEL FUCKING DEPRESSED. I HATE THEM. I REALLY HATE THEM. that's isn't the only reason of why i hate them. I'M GONNA BLOW UP THEIR STUPID BRAIN ONE DAY. ugh, for real, it's so annoying. i sound like THAT kid that only hates them because they give us a lot of schoolwork, but no, it isn't like that.